Missing an Angel Never Goes Away

Missing my Angel baby NEVER GOES AWAY! It has been a year & 6 months since I lost the love of my life which is my grandson. My grandbaby was still born the day before my birthday last year.

There is not a day goes by that I don't miss him! I always wonder what his little laugh would have sounded like, what color would his eyes be, I know for a fact that he had dark curly hair, I wonder how his cry would have sounded like, how tall would he have been when he grew up, I wonder what his voice would have sounded like. He would have been walking & talking by now.

Loosing somebody you love is like loosing a part of yourself! The hurt & pain never goes away nor does it get easier with time. It's a whole in your heart that never goes away. 

With every special occasion, every holiday, every family togetherness, will never feel quite right bc you know that even though the majority of the family is there, not all of them are there. There fore there is an emptiness, a sadness that holds you back from fully appreciating, enjoying, having fun, & feeling true complete happiness!

I know my Angel Baby will always be with me in spirit, however the true sadness comes from not being able to see, feel, touch, spend time with, not being able to form that bond with him. 

For those of you who have lost the love of your life or someone that your very close to, it's hard to cope with the lose. Everyone thinks that time heals all wounds, which is so not true!

Everyone copes with lose differently. I do special activities to remember my Angel Baby. 
For Example:

 * I am working on a memory scrap book.

  * We also celebrate his life, by baking a cake & celebrating his birthday.

  * We release balloons with miss you notes.

  * When saying a prayer at a family gathering I make sure to thank God for the time we did get to spend with him & ask God to let him know that we 💞 & miss him.

* I kiss my urn  necklace, which his ashes are in, & hold it in my hand whenever I miss him & want to hold him.

  * I allow myself to miss him & I cry 4 him whenever I need to or whenever missing him is overwhelming for me.

  * If you would like some ideas or even want to talk about the love of your life who you miss, I am here for you! Everyone needs someone for support. Contact me @ pattyt7357@gmail.com

Maybe we can all support each other & help one another come up with ideas to keep our loved ones memories alive!

The person that you are will be the person that your child becomes

I had good & bad times in my life. As a parents we try to teach our kids how to deal with situations, be able to take care of their "future" families & themselves in the real world, for after we are gone.

 As a child 

"We are NOT raising kids" " We are raising Adults

  As a mom, nobody ever tells you how hard it is to let ur child go. 
  From the moment that  your child is born he/She becomes your whole life & your whole world revolves around that child!  When you have a child you give up your whole life to make sure that they don't go without, you nourish them, teach them everything that you know, you give them advice, guidance, ect. 
  Most kids, most likely, not take your advice, bc they feel like they don't need it, they may feel like they are grown enough to make their own decisions, or they may be just rebelling!
  However, I, myself, have always clung to a much older age group than myself. I had to grow up fast in life. By the age of 10, I was literly raising my mother's kids, with the youngest one being a newborn baby. I have always had friends of all ages. I have always been the one who wanted to learn new things & seek out advice. 
  There are a lot of advantages to having older friends bc they have already been through your situation & from their experience can give you advice on what to do, what works & what don't work, & most importantly, you can learn a lot from the older generations to make your life easier & better if you just listen & take their advice.
  I, in a sense, get to learn from their mistakes.
  I remember one older guy telling me the worst mistake that anybody can make in life is to quit school bc you can not even work for McDonald's if you don't have @least a GED.
  I was kicked out of my adopted grandpa's house when I was 16 years old bc I went to the hospital bc I had an asthma attack. I tried to get him, my grandpa & my mom to bring me to the hospital but they wouldn't, so I had to get my own ride bc I literly could NOT BREATHE! 
  So, when I got back home, to my adopted grandpa's house, he kicked me out. I was 16 years old & homeless. All bc I did what I had to do for me.
  At this point of my life I had raised my sister since the day she came home from the hospital. J.C., the sister that I raised since birth was now 4 years old.
  The day that I left my Reilly's(my adopted grandpa, was the man that adopted my mother, Cindy.) My mom's biological Dad, committed suicide when my mom was 7 years old. He shut the garage door, got in his car, rolled the windows down, crunk the car, & was gone). 
  The very 1st thing I did was get a job @ Winn - Dixie in Highlandsprings Virginia & I went to Highlandsprings High School. 
  Going to work & school were my #1 priorities! 
  The advice from that one stranger stuck with me! I took it 2 heart & I knew that he gave me that advice to make a difference in my life! He knew from his own experience that you have to be educated to make it in life! You have to have a trade, be educated on how to save a life, how to teach your kids, how to be responsible. These are the things in my life that I didn't learn until later in life. These are the things that I will educate my kids on! 
  My step dad use to tell me all through school that I am never gonna make it, I'm never gonna graduate. 

  I was 19 years old, a single mother of  2 sons, Austin 2 years old & Micky 2 months old, when I graduated from Pine High School in 2002! 

  I am very proud of myself  bc nobody "Gave" Me anything. I had to work hard for it! I had a job, I took care of my kids, & I am showing them by "Example" what to do to make them successful in their life! 
  The most important thing to work for in your life is education, learn from others & their mistakes, take advice, watch & learn.
  However, my Mother graduated High School, she also went to College as a CNA & later Real Estate.
  She didn't work long for CNA & after that, she gave up when the lady she took care of passed away, & she never went back to work. She worked @ Waffle House when I was 16 & she hasn't worked since. She depended on men to take care of us for my whole life. We got abused physical, emotionally, & sexually. 
 My 1st lesson in life! 
 Only DEPEND ON YOU! LIFE IS WHAT "YOU" MAKE IT! 

Threw living her mistakes, I learned what I did not want out of life & I made the choice to get educated, work hard, learn from others & their mistakes, listen to your elders, take advice! 
  The people that care about you & love you are ONLY gonna give you the advice, education, & the knowledge, to make your own life easier, better, & let you know what's in your best interest & what's gonna "HELP" you in your life, teach you to be responsible, to make you a better person, make you a better PARENT, & to make the next generation better than the last! 
  That in itself, educating your kids, living the example, taking advice.....
 "LIFE IS WHAT YOU MAKE IT!"  "CHANGING THE WORLD" & " MAKING THIS WORLD A BETTER PLACE!"
  

You will be treated how YOU "ALLOW" YOURSELF TO BE TREATED.

  Life after DIVORCE! I know that emotionally a divorce brings a lot of different emotions @ 1 time. Your sad, confused, happy, relieved, worried, lost, just to name a few. 
  The only problem that me & my ex had was completely all of his creation, he would start complaining over literly everything. Since I refused to argue with him, I stayed silent, so with me not saying a word, that's NOT An argument, right?
  Well we just split up the day before yesterday. Now I am feeling so relieved mainly bc I am under NO control or expectations. 
  I have to say that I am so proud of myself bc for the very 1st time in my life I put some BOUNDARIES in place for my ex.
  He just thought that he was gonna stop by my house & wake me up @ 12:35 am. When I opened that door I said to him " Let me get this straight right now. You have all day of you wanna pick up your stuff. Don't be coming by here waking me up @ this time of the morning! "
  This was my " Day #1 in finding myself ! " I was so proud of myself for taking up for me bc normally I let people run all over me bc I want to respect them, don't want to hurt their feelings, ect. Not this this time! I will still have some of the qualities that make me who I am. One thing that I will change about me is that I will no longer except what I don't like. I will not only find my voice, but I will USE my voice! That's a big change from who I was when I was married. I am gonna be the person who teaches people how to treat me!
  One thing that I've learned through my life is that " A MAN WILL ONLY TREAT YOU HOW YOU ALLOW HIM TO TREAT YOU!!!!! " People need to put those boundaries in place @ the very beginning of your relationship, & if the boundaries get crossed, you have to have your consequences in place. Without boundaries & consequences people are going to treat you & talk to you anyway that they want to. At the same time you have to treat everybody with RESPECT, LOVE, & KINDNESS and also give them something to respect!
  
  

True Colors

  I am nowhere near an expert in relationships. However I have learned a lot along the way.
  One thing that I've learned is that people's true colors come out when they are hurt, upset, ect. Depending on the level of emotions at the time people can say some pretty hurtful, cold hearted  things in an argument that will really put you position in that person's life in perspective. 
  I have been in many relationships where I have been disrespected, physically abused, emotionally abused, & mentality abused.
  Many people get upset & say things that not only put your position in their life in perspective but also makes you question the relationship. 
  I am the type of person who is silent during an argument bc I do NOT want to hurt anybody feelings or make the argument worse. The 2 main reasons that I am silent is bc you can't take back hurtful words once they are said & my Grandma Ercyal always said " If you can't say anything nice, Don't say anything @ all.
  As an adult I understand the impact of those words & I have carried her words of wisdom with me through my life.
  I feel like I would rather take a physical beating than for somebody to say some hurtful stuff to me. 
  Why? Bc hurtful words stay with me & I beat myself up over the words that I hear someone say about me. The main reason for this is bc everyday I wake up I try to be a better person than I was yesterday, a better mother than I was the day before, & I strive to be the best person in God's eyes that I can be bc, let's face it, everybody wants somebody to be proud of them for the hard work that a person puts into their lives. Everybody wants somebody to see that they are trying & making progress.
  I am on the verge of divorce. I don't know why. All I know is that I cater to my husband & children bc there is nothing that I wouldn't do to see them HAPPY. However, my soon to be ex-husband, had a lot of complaints about what I do in the relationship. I often say to him " If you would work on your OWN faults in this relationship , instead of pointing out all my faults, maybe we could work on fixing our marriage! " He makes it seem like I am the only one @ fault. 
  A marriage takes 2 people to make the relationship work. If you stay married or get divorced it's bc BOTH of you let it happen or let it fail.
  I am NOT the one to argue! I am NOT gonna argue with anybody bc I look @ it this way, " Don't talk about, Be about it! " 
  So, when me & my soon to ex, has an argument, as he says, it is NOT an argument, it's him telling me everything single thing that I do wrong. I can take constructive criticism but I feel like he belittles me. He never talks about what he's doing wrong in the relationship. He doesn't even acknowledge that he is wrong, so therefore, he doesn't apologize for anything. I guess that's bc in his eyes I am the problem.
  When he gets upset with me he cursed me out & says a lot of hurtful, cold hearted, hateful comments to me, which makes me ? his true colors & my place in his life. 
  We have been together for going on 6 years & have been married for less than a year. We have literally been having the same exact problem for 3-4 years. When we get in disagreements, he uses the same exact words, & he tells me the same exact thing every single week.
  Every time he asks me a ?, wile I am trying to explain it to him, he cuts me off & fusses @ me about not answering him. When I try to tell him how I feel, I say one word & he cuts me off, to tell me that he don't care about what I have to say.
  No wonder why our marriage is heading for divorce bc if you relationship had nothing else to thrive it has to have " Love, Respect, Trust, & Communication  "
  I feel like if wd have not solved this problem by now, we are never gonna solve it & for me, I am just defeated. I am numb & I could care less weather he left or not. I feel like I would be happier & more @ peace, since he has made me feel like I am his problem. I refuse to keep going back & fourth every week. I am just ready to be done! I am always being accused, even though I don't go anywhere unless he takes me & he runs off in the truck that is in my name. He'll be gone for hours & won't even so much as tell me he's leaving or where he's going. 
  I am @ the point in my life that all I want is to be happy & @ peace! I have also gotten to the point in my life that I REFUSE to be cursed out, disrespect, & ignored! This is mainly bc I am a role model for my daughter, who is 14 years old, & as her mother, I will be the one to set the bar for how she allows herself to be treated in her relationships in the future.
  I am so mentally exhausted! As far as I am concerned my marriage is over & I am so ready to finally find myself!!!!!! 
  From this point on, I refuse to be cursed out, disrespected, ignored, made feel like me & my feelings don't matter, made feel like I am nothing, & most importantly I refuse to stay in a situation where I feel unloved!
  When a man REALLY LOVES YOU:
* He will NOT curse you & call you names.
* He will take the time to listen to how you feel.
* He will NOT disrespect you in any way.
* He will wake up everyday & think about what he can do that day to make you Happy!
* He will make you feel like you matter & are the most important person in his life!
  As for the steps in doing my own work to fix myself, I can put a check mark by # 1 in finding myself & refusing to tolerate being disrespected.
  I am slowly but surely learning what my worth is & " I deserve to be respected, treated good, & loved. "
 I am not by any means perfect, but I was raised to treat people how I want to be treated & I DEMAND the same from the spouse that I am with!
  Stay tuned for what's ahead in my new found self journey in finding myself & the person that I once was before I married a controlling, selfish, self securless man.
  
 
  

All Creatures (May/June 2018 issue)

  So, I had my, almost 4 year old nephew this weekend, as I do every weekend & my mom had left me this Guidepost book. So, when it was naptime I read this article as a naptime story. Not only did I ABSOLUTELY love it but it also touched my heart!
  Without giving too much of the story away, it is about this golden retriever, who the owners had just found out that he had Leukaemia. During his life he found an Amazingly high # of baseball's. 
  You can find this article & more @:
Guideposts.orgGuideposts.org.

  

Grandma Wells meets her great grand Angel Baby, Ayden, yesterday

My Grandma Ercyal Wells passed away yesterday. She was truly the sunshine in my life! She was so out going, fun loving, & a hard worker. She retired from Philip Morris the cigarette company, & Wal-Mart. She also worked as a professional clown at one time.
  I was having a day out with my sister, Angel, & my nephews, "Tre", which is my sister Angel's son & Monte, who is my sister J.C.'s son. On the way back home I just so happened to see an elcomano in someone's yard & I asked my sister " Do you remember that time we wrecked Grandmas car?" as we shared a laugh, I couldn't help but think of how I grew up & the times that I cherished with my Grandma.
  When I got home my mom told me that my Grandma had passed. I had a bad feeling bc my sister & I didn't ever have a conversation about my Grandma & it just so happened that I seen that elcomano. It looked  just like the one that my Grandma had .
  As I got home I walked in the door crying & my husband came to comfort me, I told him the bad news. He told me to go lay down, rest, or do whatever I wanted bc I didn't have to cook that night.
  As I was processing my grandma's passing, I had a strong erge to cook, as I was preparing the ingredients to get started cooking, I could hear her telling me, " Baby when my time comes, life goes on, & all you can do is live. The only difference will be that you, ( meaning me), will have to live for both of us!" 
 My grandma absolutely LOVED to cook. My Uncle Ed always said that just by tasting something, she could go home & cook the same thing that they ate & it would taste exactly like the food they tasted. Uncle Ed said that she could taste every single seasoning & be able to cook it months later & it would taste the exact same. That's one of the many amazing traits that my mom, Cindy, absolute did NOT get from my grandma. My mom could burn water.
  The last time I go to go see my grandma was about 2 years ago. She was so tiny, about 97 pounds. She lived in a nursing home because she had altimers. 
  My mom went into her room ahead of me & grandma, surprisingly knew who she was. As my mom moved, I came out from around her & my mom asked my grandma, " Do you know who that is, referring to me, my Grandma said, " Yes, I know who that is, she's my daughter, Patty!" 
  She was so excited to see me. I was amazed that she remembered me because it was so long ago since I had been to see her because I live in Louisiana, & she lived in Virginia.
  My grandma always cherished me & she was very active in my life. My grandma done more for me as a child than my own mom has done for me my whole life! My grandma was always there for me, she always spent time with me, & she always believed me, & was always on my side. My own mom could never come, not even close to the mother that my Grandma was to me.

  In Loving Memory of my Grandma Wells:
 You have always been my Sunshine on the rainy days! My best & most cherished memories are the ones that I got to spend with you. I thank God for the love, time, & memories that I got to share with you. Being with you were by far my BEST CHILDHOOD MEMORIES!
You will 4-EVER BE MISSED & I L💜VE YOU SO MUCH, Grandma! 
 When you get through the gates of heaven be sure to hug & kiss my Angel Baby Ayden  for me & wrap him in ALL of the L💞💜VE that he can handle & please let him know that Nana misses him everyday & L💜💞💕VES him so much❣

As a Mother

As a Mother, we all what what's best for our children. Most importantly certain parts of parenting will carry down the line from one generation to the next. As a Mother there's certain parts of your past that you wish your children had, like playing outside,having imagination, or maybe carrying on a family tradition,like reading to your children at night or having a family night. As for me I didn't want them to have any part of my past. In fact, at the age of 12 years old,I knew that I was gonna make sure that they carry on any of my past. My family didn't have any traditions to be carried on. The only tradition that I wanted to carry on is a new tradition.

As a Child

  As a child what sticks out the most in my memory  is the molestation and abuse that I suffered. As I look back on my childhood memories there were no good times and fun days were non-existent. From what I do remember, my mom had always depended on men to take care of us. My mom did not work. I never understood why because after my mom graduated from high school, she got her CNA license and she went to school to be a real estate agent. I don't have any memories at all when my mom worked. What I did know is that  she had horriable choice in men. One specifically use to beat me so bad that I had to wear pants and long sleeve shirts in the summer to hide the bruises all over my body. My mom never had the backbone to take up for us. My mom, Cindy, was not a loving mom at all. I have no memories of my mom reading us bed time story, she didn't show affection. As a child I didn't get hugs, kisses, or told "I  love you". Instead she would let anybody treat us anyway they wanted to. She never was loving or kind when it come to us kids. As a child I mostly remember being physically abused, molested, ignored, unwanted, and unloved. As I look back at that time of my life all I feel is fear, pain, sadness, and hopelessness.

As a child my most foundest, cherishable memories was  spending time with my Grandma Wells and Uncle Ed. My grandma and Uncle Ed retired from the Phillip Morris the cigarette company, grandma also retired from Walmart too. Every chance she had off or was not working she would come pick us up, me and my sister, that's a year younger than me. Being with them at their house right across the street from the lake was my most cherished memories. My grandma was so full of life, energetic, and outgoing. She was always on the go. Every time we went to grandma's I knew we were gonna have so much fun. We went to what I called "Grandma's Beach" which was right across the road and around the bend from her house. We would often get in the small aluminum boat that she kept tied up and go right around the bend to the beach. It had showers, swing sets, & a platform in the deep end of the water that we use to jump off of. When we wasn't going to thrift shops, or grandma's beach we went to the swimming lessons that my Grandma paid to have us in for three years. My grandma's house was my home away from home. My safe house, the only place where we got to feel loved, important , & special. It was really the only place where we had any normality as far as family and being in a truly happy home. We spent as much time at grandma's as we could.
  As for my biological grandpa, which is my mom Dad, he committed suicide when my mom was only six years old. He went to the garage, shut the garage door, then he sat in his car, started the ignition, rolled the windows down, and suffocated his self. Needless to say, I never got to meet him. The only left of my grandpa was a picture, only one picture. My mom likes to say that she looks just like her dad. I told mom that she needs stronger glasses because she really looks just like my grandma. I don't see any charisitcs that she got from her Dad. 
   My Uncle Ed, is the only grandpa figure that I had. He started dating my Grandma when I was an infant baby. I have to say that my Uncle Ed is one of the most AMAZING men that I have ever met in my life. Uncle Ed never had any kids of his own. Me and my sister was as close to kids as he got. Uncle Ed was the kindest man that you would ever met, he was caring, compassionate, and
he loves to go to car shows, he has a garage full of old collectable, antique toy cars, trucks, ect. He even has two show cars of his own. He has a 66 mustang and a 66 Camero SS. 
 One day he took me for a ride in his convertible mustang, as we get down the roaf he laid the top down, and I started crying because I thought that I was going to fly out. To this day he still laughs at me about thay. I was especially was close to him. Every night we stayed at grandma's me, my sister Angel, and Uncle Ed would get up at 12:00am and get our midnight snack. He was my grandma's voice of reason, although my Grandma was a firecracker and did not listen to anybody that tried to tell her what to do, she would listen to Uncle Ed. He was her voice of reason. 
  My fondest memories me, Angel, and Grandma was getting ready to go on an outing. As grandma was getting everything together, she told me and my sister to go get in the car, which was a elcoman, so we did. While my Grandma was locking the house up I shouted "Throw me the keys grandma", so she did. I then said "I am pitting them in the ignition, "ok". At that moment my sister said "I dare you to put it on the "R". I did exactly that and we went rolling back, across the street, and hit a tree. My grandma was mad as hell. I had never been in trouble at my grandma's before. After the car stopped, me and my sister got out, walked across the street, and opened the front door and I hear my Grandma say " I am going to tear their backsides up good this time, go look at my car!"
 When we walked into the house, Uncle Ed sent me to My grandma's room and he sent Angel to his room. As we are sitting in the room being punished I heard My Uncle Ed sayd " Calm down Erycle, I'm sure that it's not that bad. Don't spank them, punish them, they are kids, they didn't know any better. I just thank God that they didn't hurt themselves or anybody else". After dinner and we took our baths Uncle Ed called us into the living room and talked to us about what could have happened but didn't. After he finished his speech grandma added that we would be staying at her house for two weeks for punishment. She then stated as punishment we would clean the kitchen, bathroom, and what ever else she could find for us to do. That was by far the best punishment that I have ever had to do. 

The new baby

 As time went on I was 11 years old at this point and my mom Cindy had another baby girl in 1990. My baby sister was named after grandma Doris. I remember when my mom went in labor. She took me and Angel to school that morning and when she was dropping us off she was on the phone with my step dad telling him that she was dropping us off at school and going to the hospital because she was in labor. Dad wanted her to bring him some orange juice before she went to have my sister. My sister Josiphine Clarice was born on October 4th, 1990. I was happy to have a baby sister little did I know in less that a week I would be raising her and taking care of her like she was my own child. 
 A few days after October 4th, my mom walks in the door with a beautiful baby girl. I was so taken by this new little baby. From the time that my mother brought her home from the hospital I felt a strong sense of motherly love, devotion, and compassion for this baby. I helped my mom, step dad, & sister in everyway to take care of, not only the baby J.C. as we call her,  but my younger, handicapped, sister Michelle to. 
 Three days later, I  hear my baby sister crying. As I walked in the room, where my mother and sister was, I see my mom throw my baby sister down onto the bed. I could not believe what I just witnessed! To this day I am not sure why I was so surprised. I guess it was because as I  was a child my mother was more of a verbal abuser instead of a hands on.  She would scream at us a lot. Now don't get me wrong she would smack the you know what out of us from time to time. I guess another reason that I was shocked was because the first time in my life, I seen the motherly love that my mom had for my sister that I didn't get to experience as a child. 
 After I witnessed my mom throw my sister on that bed, from that day on, I dedicated myself to become my sister's care taker. I did not want to report it because I didn't want to lose my sister. I figured that if I took care of her my mom wouldn't be overwhelmed, and most importantly, my sister wouldn't be abused.